Funnies!

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other: Are you all right? - No, I lost an electron! - Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm positive!

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through...

I've always wanted to be somebody. Next time I'll be more specific. - Lily Tomlin

Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots.

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.

Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

How come they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?

If you mix milk of magnesia and vodka and orange juice, do you get a phillips screwdriver?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef!

The hypochondriac's epitaph: "NOW will you believe me?"

Trans corpus meum mortuum. - Over my dead body.

On a sign outside a church: "This is a C H _ _ C H ... what's missing?"

Heck is a place for people who don't belive in Gosh.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

JESUS SAVES...He Passes It To Gretzky...Gretzky Shoots...He Scores!

My favorite bumper stickers

Keep honking. I'm reloading.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy - other times I let her sleep.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be in nirvana.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

HANG-UP & DRIVE

My karma ran over your dogma.

Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

Cover me, I'm changing lanes.

Honk if you're illiterate!

Amish bumper sticker: Caution! Do not step in exhaust.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm the head of the table. You're the butt.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up your a$$.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt & teach it to walk backwards!

I'd love to live life in the fast lane... unfortunately, I'm married to a speedbump.

Never have I seen a word as accurate as politics. Poly meaning many, and tic being a blood-sucking thing.

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

Keep honking. I'm reloading.

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